Monday, April 23, 2012


I never thought anybody even read my little blog at all. But over the past few weeks I have gotten quite a few emails asking "Where have you been?" or "Update your blog! I find it so motivational!" I am attempting to update the past year of my life in a paragraph or two. I do want to add that one of the emails I received was from a man starting up a rehab center to help addicts through exercise, through CrossFit to be exact. He read my blog some years back and decided to try and reach me to see if I would be interested in his vision. I was soo excited to hear from him because most of you know what my past was---I have a soft heart for people struggling to be free from bondage - something outside of themselves that controls them. So of course I said "YES!!!" I will keep you informed as to what that means for me from time to time. For now....I am just here to offer him support and to cheer his vision on as it unfolds. This past year has been hands down one of the most challenging years of my life. It's right up there with all the other hard things I've walked through - drug addiction, the death of my loved one, my divorce, being cheated on and left, all those things. Geesh just writing that list tugs at my heart. I know that I am strong woman and that every situation that I have encountered in my life has molded me to be just that. I survive. I learn and I grow. I cannot be kept down. I WILL get back up and I WILL overcome. PERIOD. However, when the situations are emotional ones and you are hurt by people you trust it is difficult to understand. At least for me it is. For the past three years I have had the very best friend anybody could ever ask for. To say that he was the ONLY person in this world who "got me" would be an understatement. I could really be me around him. I didn't have to watch what I say. I could cuss like a sailor and not be judged. I could act inappropriately and say whatever came to my mind - and together we would laugh. He was my soft place to fall in this sometimes crazy harsh world. For three years we cheered each other on through our ups and downs and we traveled placed and just we there for one another. Well, out of the complete blue last August he decided he "needed a break" from me and I haven't talked to him since. To say that I am heart broken would be a intense understatement. Some people in my life think its because he developed more than a friendship feeling for me, others think maybe I served what role I was supposed to in his life and that that time was over.......I choose not to admit either and just know he was moving on in his life. My struggle is this....if somebody claimes they care about you - that you mean everything to what point do those words change? I myself have been guilty of saying "I love you forever" and then walking out the door - but I separate intimate relationships from friendships in that if you have a dear friend why can't things remain the same between you? I just assumed we would be friends forever and I guess my childlike belief in that is why I am still so crushed months later. I want to pick up the phone and call him at least twice a week - which I don't - and I have this overwhelming feeling of being left out here in the world alone. Abandon. Left to be friendless I guess and because of that I feel quite lonely at times. Just knowing I had somebody to have my back made me feel so much less alone - but now that I don't have that, well....I feel ....jipped. So, that's the situation I have been dealing with and trying to heal from. My romantic relationship has been challenging as well. Try as I might to understand why I have invited such a roller coaster relationship into my life - a year later I am still dumfounded. There must be a part of me that likes the fight. The struggle. I dunno - but if that were true, then why oh WHY do I hate it so much!!??I don't really want to share too much about that because I don't feel that I can be so open with him. He'd be upset if I wrote about him I'm sure.....
A blessing that has happened is that my brother came to stay with me for almost three months this winter. Having him around was a lot of fun. I've never been close to my family. My mom and I don't have a relationship and my father and I aren't really close. My brother is all I have and we share the same childhood so he gets me - a little- at least! He was out of work and having a hard time in Oregon - so he came out here to stay. I was able to find him quite a few jobs and I helped pay his bills back in Oregon which made me feel good. He just left Friday and the house has suddenly gotten empty again. When the kids are at their dads house I have it all to myself.....nice and bad all at the same time :) So - I am doing good - great things are happening in my career for me. My clients are absolutly amazing and doing very well. I also am now working with San JOse State University sports teams on their nutrition. I LOVE THIS! And feel blessed every day because of this opportunity. Some other things are brewing that I will share about at another time. I promise to update this from time to time and post some pictures too. This picture is of me, my brother James, and my cousin Michelle. We walked on the beach one sunny day here in SC and laughed together. Good Times!!! Thanks for reading my little blog. Always keep your eyes open to the signs around you. Always keep your heart open to growing even through hurt. Stand tall and know who you are. ALWAYS! And NEVER let anybody change you. :)