Friday, June 18, 2010

Reflection and Gratitude

I have been a pretty busy woman lately so I have had some errands on the back burner that have been nagging at me to get to them. One of the things I needed to do was to clear out my storage unit.....I couldn't even remember the things I have in that thing its been so many years since I've even stepped inside. So, the other day I had a couple hours off and took a drive to the damn place to get busy. The first item I picked up just changed my mood completely and hit me off guard....a small wooden chest that I use to hold all the items that Geoffrey gave me and all the photos of him and us. Geoffrey Anderson was the first love of my life whom I met when I was just 15 and who impacts my life in huge magnitudes today and well into my future. Anyway, I opened the chest excited to see what was inside but those feelings quickly turned to sadness, hopelessness, lonelyness and regret when I saw the photos and read the letters. How can an even that happened over 18 years ago still feel like it just took place? Obviously I have some issues that Ive swept under the rug and haven't completely dealt with. So here I was photos in hand sitting in the hallway of a storage place sobbing. What a pathetic sight, I know....but sometimes you just need a good cry.

Geoffrey was killed in 1992 in an airplane crash that took place in Perris Valley, CA. He was a skydiving videographer, there were 22 people on board and all but 5 were killed. I spoke to him on the phone just before he took off on that last flight, it was the 8th run on that plane that day. I remember hearing the news break on the tv as I did chores in my apartment about the skydiving airplane cousin called me and said she thinks that was where Geoffrey was. I watched the news and knew instantly my life was just changed. I tried calling him, tried calling the skydiving school where he worked, his mom, his roomate...all with no answer. Finally after what seemed like forever I got the call from his mother and father. I can still hear her voice telling me that Geoffrey was on that plane. It went something like this..
." Shari...are you sitting down?'
"no wasn't Geoffreys plane , right?'
"Shari, Geoff was on that plane."
"He's okay though.....he's always okay, he had a parachute on.."
She interrupted me with, "Geoffrey is dead."
I felt a rumble a hollowness, black energy that seemed to originate from the middle of the earth that rose up and connected with my feet and then took over my body with such pain.....pain that started from the beginning of time all seared in MY body, these were MY feet, MY heart, MY screams, MY tears, MY confusion......

The next thing I remember is my friend picking me up from the floor as I became hollow...emptied out with that phone call. All I knew is I wanted it to stop....I didn't even know what to stop or how to get away from what was consuming me. I took every drug in my possession in the hopes that it would kill the emptiness.... it didn't and instead of dying I lived. I was left here to sort through everything. Why did this have to happen to such an amazing human? Why did God take him from me? Too many questions and I had no FUCKING ANSWERS!! I became a complete drug addict from that phone call until I was 24 years old. Stuffing my pain down to my feet and never letting it rise above my kneecaps, for fear that I would be consumed like I was that moment on the phone.....

All of these memories all came back to me like they had just happened as I looked through photos and cards in my storage unit. Why, after so many years of a life changing event, does it still hurt as if it just happened??

I have had many things occur in my life since I was that young girl. I got clean, got married, had two amazing children, and lived my life. But not a day goes by that I don't still think about Geoffrey, Mamma Barbara and their family. I look around my house and everything I have is because of them. I guess maybe I impacted their lives as well. My favorite quote...

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. " Helen Keller.

Well, maybe I have gained some character through my experiences. We never know why things happen..or why bad things happen to good people I'm still trying to figure out my life and my purpose here. I have made a lot of mistakes and I have heaps of regret that I am working though. I know I have guardian angles and Geoffrey watches out for me and my kids.

I hope that someday I will have love again.

1 comment:

Julie A said...

I'm not sure why, but this blog post came up as I was doing research for info about my Uncle who was killed in WWII and buried in the Netherlands. Totally random. Anyway, I couldn't read it and not comment. I'm so very sorry to read of your loss and depth of pain.
Death has been a constant stalker throughout my life, taking from me so many that after a while I just kind of went numb. There is one though, the open wound that will never heal, the one I can't go a single day without thinking of, talking about, or missing. Time passed doesn't heal that pain and I don't think it will hurt any less in the time yet to pass. Take care, Shari. You have a beautiful family, amazing children, and you are loved.