Thursday, August 06, 2009

August 6

Yesterday I started to really feel the depletion occurring in my body. I weighed myself at 4am like every morning and the scale said 101.5 - I told Karen I'd easily weigh less than 100 pounds by the time the 15th rolled around. She assures me I only have a little farther to go before we start putting glucose back into my body along with minimal fat - so just "hang on". She took pictures of me posing in the same bikini this morning around 6am, so I will post them as soon as she sends them to me. She said my legs and waist have come down, which is what we were trying to achieve - thank God - but I don't get any almond butter just yet. Hmmmpphh!! I was a little pissed when she told me that.

My son and I went to Whole Foods yesterday for lunch. I got about a cup and a half of spinach and 4 ounces of chicken drizzled with balsamic vinegar, while Brandon ate a protein bar and drank some root beer hey, hes a kid and it was his treat). I watched him chew every bite and drink every sip. He walked through the store with me and I touched every thing that I wanted to consume. Then it hit me - this must be what anorexics feel every day of their life with the disease. I got it. I understand that head space of wanting something but restricting it completely from yourself. Man, I tell ya it was an eye opener. I have to be careful to keep a grip on my reality and not develop an eating disorder....I can see how it would be extremely easy to do. My son is so rad - he understands that I am doing this with a goal in mind - short term, and that its for a purpose. I do not think I am fat. He let me touch the baked breads and squeeze them in their cellophane wrappers, open the bakery case and take a huge whiff of the warm cookies inside, slowly stroll every isle while in my imagination I ate everything that appealed to me. The mind is a powerful organ because I totally feel full when I do this little exercise. Sometimes I even feel like I have actually eaten everything I imagined, and feel compelled to call Karen to confess. SICK!! After about 15 minutes of this aimless wandering invisible food consumption, my sweet son took me by the hand and said "okay mom - thats enough. Its time to go now." And to the car we walked. Then the crying started. I just want to eat!!! Why the fuck can't I eat what I want to eat? Who the HELL is she to tell me I can't have what I want?! What does this fuckin competition mean anyways!? Its stupid! I probably won't even place - I'm not even a fitness model!! WHAT DOES IT MATTER!!?? My head rested on the steering wheel and I just let it out. I was furious, frustrated, exhausted, angry...I was HUNGRY!! I am not poor. I am not lost in the wilderness with nothing edible around me. I'm not on that damn show "Survivor". I have food all around me. My cupboards are overflowing with food. Delicious food. All I have to do is open the cupboard, pull something out, and stick it in my fucking mouth. That's it! Sigh ---except....... I don't do things half ass and I am NOT a quitter. I finish what I start, no matter how ridiculous it is to anybody else. I want to know that I put 100% in and tried my very best, no matter what it is. Sooo, I wiped my tears with my son patting me on the back. He told me "its okay mom - you're almost there. Stay strong!" That just made me cry even more :) But it gave me the support that I needed to pull myself together. I have never gone through anything so physically tough in my whole life. I went through drug withdrawals and they didn't feel this uncomfortable.

We continued on to the mall and went shopping. Everything I tried on didn't fit. The size 0 's in American Eagle I could pull the jeans off my body while they were zipped and buttoned. Shit! I asked if they had any Double 00's in, but they didn't. I cracked up as I asked because they must think I'm a freakin meth addict or something. Whatever -

Karen said that next Wednesday I get to add some fruit and some fat to my diet. Thank God....I haven't had any fruit since last Wednesday....a week ago.

Meal 1- 1/3 cup steel cut oats, 4 ounces chicken, vit b, multi, vit c, muscle strength

Meal 2- 4 ounces turkey, 2.5 ounces sweet potatoes, vit b, multi, Omegas, vit c

**fat burner on empty stomach, train 30 min after taking it**

Meal 3- 4 ounces chicken, 1 cup spinach uncooked, balsamic vinegar on top

Meal 4- 4 ounces Halibut

Meal 5- 4 ounces chicken breast, 1 cup asparagus

Meal 6- 4 ounces Halibut

Sound yummy?? I cannot use any oil to cook or on the veggies so everything is extremely bland. No sat. No oil. No flavor! The chicken is poached in a little water. The fish has a little of lemon juice on it for moisture. That's it. Yesterday I got to eat 10 almonds and I savored every crunch. My teeth feel like they haven't been used in a long time.

Here's the weird thing - I am getting stronger. I'm sure it's because of the extra protein I am taking in - 24 Zone blocks a day.

I performed 6 dead hang L pullups with zero kip, toes straight in the air with ZERO momentum. I did 7 handstand pushups with top of head to the floor and full extension at the top. We did "Lynne" today and as prescribed I bench pressed my bodyweight (who cares that its only 101#) and did chest to bar deadhang pullups. The highest number bench was 5 reps. My old 3 rep PR was 95#, today I did the whole workout at 102#. My energy level is a little low, but at least I am not loosing strength. Please wish me luck and I'll continue to write about my experience. I feel sorta like an undercover journalist in this whole adventure. I will NEVER do this again, that's for sure!! Thanks for reading :)


Bill said...

Thanks for writing! Quite an adventure, for sure.

Andrew said...

Really interesting how much strength you've gained while "starving." Keep us posted. Thanks.

Jennie Yundt said...

Oh Shari, you truly are amazing. I completely admire your will power and your determination. You are my inspiration! I am trying to trade my fruit for BROCCOLI for 3 weeks in an attempt to lose a little more body fat, and it's HARD. 120G fat, 20G carbs, 85G protein, and I'm HUNGRY. I read your blog, and see what you're going through and you give me the strength to resist the blackberries in the fridge!

Hang in there Shari, you're going to look amazing on that stage. It doesn't even matter if you "place", because you will have already won. Winning the mental battle deserves a trophy! If you make it all the way through, I'm going to send you a trophy made completely of Almond butter and blueberries. :-) HUG HUG HUG

Jennie - CrossFit Fire

Ultra Okie said...

Hey Shari, been following you for quite some time. I really admire your attitude and persistence. you rock! i need to try some new things and get my life back on track. maybe crossfit and proper nutrition would be a good place to start. what do you think for a 52 year old, that use to be able to run ultras and now 35 lbs overweight and can barely get through a 5k?