SF Crippler gets ahold of me!!

BMack gives the rocker hand in victory over my lunchtime annihilation in Chicago!!! Thank you sir may I have another.....












Me and coach Carl. He's pretty much fast as lightning! Hopefully some of that will rub off on me and I'll get faster too!!

I can clean up pretty good....

Here I am getting ready to go out with some friends, which is something I am doing more of. I have to say ... I have THE best friends anybody could ask for. A great lesson that I have learned is just how many people I have in my life that care about me. Today I feel super thankful for all the relationships I have in my life....because they are QUALITY relationships. That means everything to me....

Chicago Running Cert

It just doesn't get much better than this picture! Here I am loving being between two amazing men..Carl and BMack from CrossFit Newport. I was lucky enough to tag along for the Running Cert in Chicago this past weekend where I learned tons and got to help coach the POSE method to the attendees. This picture was taken after a lunchtime workout they put me through...dubbed "The SF Crippler"...30 backsquats at bodyweight and a 1k row for time. I absolutely loved working out with these two beasts and love the after pic even more! Brian used to call me "spider web" because of all the veins that stick out all over me...now my new nickname is "fetus"....they called me that all weekend long. Good thing I didn't mind !...we ate the best pizza downtown and had chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert...yes, cheat day was in order. Being around these two is seriously like a dream for me. Running mixed with CrossFit is absolutely heaven in my world. Getting to be around my mentors and soak up their knowledge was exactly what I needed. I am looking forward to traveling more with them, and helping Carl out with teaching the drills at the next cert. Don't know where it'll be just yet that I'm headed - but I am READY! I flew all by myself this time around and dread flying. I have come a long way this past month and am growing emotionally and am seriously the strongest I have ever been in my life. I do not need anybody to make me feel good about who I am. I am content in my skin and am probably the happiest I have been in a very long time. Conquering my fear of flying was just the tip of how I surprise myself with my strength. I even slept in all flights! Anybody who knows me knows how HUGE that is for me!! I met amazing people there in Chicago, and took tons of pictures. Life is taking me in a different path than I had planned, but it is turning out to be the right path for me. Life is good......(fetus out!)

Ian Schiller

This is my client Ian. He's Marians boyfriend and trains with me Monday Wednesday and Friday with Jen and Buck (ill post them later) at 5am at NSC. Ian's an avid mountain bike rider (he's pretty bad ass at it) and owns his own media company Parish Media. He shoots commercials, print work, and picture ads for many clients including some sports teams. He's a jokester and makes coming in at 5am fun for me. Ian's favorite thing to do is to try and get me to compromise the workout somehow. Either by reps scheme or weight used or rounds. He says that one day the workout will be for them to make me take a dose of my own medicine and they'll train me while they yell at me like I do to them! I love it. Ian's always been pretty strong, but he's gotten a lot stronger for sure. He has amazing back squat, bench press and snatch strength and races Buck at every workout. Another amazing client of mine! Oh, Ian started training with me shortly after Marian did...maybe it was a competitive streak in the house. lol.....love these guys!! Thanks for making Monday - Friday 4am wake up easy to do. Not very many people can say that they love what they do for a living and I am one of the lucky ones who can say that and truly mean it. I'm proud to be their trainer!!!

Marian Crockett

Ah...Marian. She is probably the client that has made the most improvement. I've been training Marian since 2006 and she could not perform a squat without falling over and couldn't hold her body in a plank. She was weak beyond weak and had zero muscle mass. She was a runner when I met her...actually met her at the Santa Cruz Track Club Monday night workout. It was her, Jen and Leslie who asked me while doing 400 meter repeats what I did to look the way I do...I said "CrossFit baby!" The rest is history! They quickly became my first crazy 5am group and would train with me every Tues and Thurs 5am at the old CrossFit SC HQ gym. I taught Marian how to fuel her body for performance and to taper from running so much so she could put her all into the programming at CF. Look how her body changed! I'm going to ask her for a before pic so you all can see what i mean....but trust me, she looks like a different woman. Healthy, Strong and making PR's left and right. Marian has a crazy deadlift strength...in fact I think that's her fav exercise. Her 3 rep max is 190 and she's a little thing weighing 115 pounds. She's got 13 kipping pullups and she worked so hard to just get 1. I love my 5am girls.....and I love watching them do what they didn't think possible for them, and see how their bodies change.....next up I have to post about Jen Buckley....she's nothing short of amazing!!! Yea Marian!!!

Brittany aka BritHoney

I'm going to start introducing my amazing clients here on my bog. This is Brittnay....she's a talented model and also starred in a musical where she played "Ariel" from The Little Mermaid. Can you see the resemblance? I met BritHoney a few months back when I was walking out of Starbucks in Scotts Valley. She ran up to me at my car and asked if I was a personal trainer. I said..."yea I am...I train here in Sv at CrossFit....blah blah blah..." She asked for my business card and told me she wanted to look like me. I thought..."aww...she's so freaking sweet!" Anyway, she ended up emailing me and the rest is history. When she first came to me she could maybe perform 5 air squats at a time without having to stop for air and to stretch out her legs. Seriously...she would get winded and cheat full extension as best she could and hated anything that was too sweaty. BUT NOW.....she is amazing! She can do squats without a problem, pushups, dips, and her power clean is beautiful!! It's truly a joy to train her...she's a kind hearted, loving, friendly woman. She always comes to her session ready to push hard and continue even if she feels like crying during the WOD. Look for her because she's just getting better and better.,.....and I love being a part of her life. PLUS...she just got started on the Zone and so far so good. I have no doubt she will do everything she puts her mind to!

Here I Come Chicago Run Cert!!

I started off the weekend having a great time. Went to dinner with a friend Friday night and out with the girls and my awesome room mate last night at Seascape Resort. Heidi's a bartender there and the bar/restaurant is really nice. I got to meet some of her friends, and she met my running partner turned lawyer ,Emily, and my other girlfriend Delane. I didn't get back home until after 2am...haven't done that in a while and it felt great to be out and laugh. Woke up today having to deal with some drama and bullshit that I don't want and didn't ask for. Break ups are nasty...even if I was the one who was hurt. I cannot understand how some people have zero regard for another persons feelings. Then I realize that unless you have experienced hurt of any kind, you cannot possibly understand the magnitude of what it feels like. In my lifetime I have had enough painful experiences, and I am ready for some happy times. Seems they are on their way to me finally and I am looking forward to them! New Zone business, races to run, coaching new clients, and traveling. I will be in Chicago next weekend for the running cert and cannot wait! I'll close by saying I'm expected by certain people to move on...heal....get over it. I will morn and grieve the loss of my relationship of 3 years however I need to and for as long as it takes. You cannot speed up healing or grief to fit what others want you to do. : )

Shari and Heidi

Me and my new awesome room mate Heidi. Notice I did some shoe therapy shopping....amazing wine colored patent leather mary janes. LOVE THEM!! So I get a call today from an amazing man in seattle telling me how he appreciates the fact that I am transparent and vulnerable on my blog. I told him thank you that I appreciate that because some people out there say I should not talk about whats been going on in my life or mention names or situations. But after talking with him I realized ...TOUGH! I am who I am. I will write what I feel because it is healing for me. People forgot that I have been hurt - badly - this is what I need to do to heal. If you don't want to read about my personal thoughts then you don't have to... : )

Easy Carefree Days....where are they?!

Here's me and my main man in Hawaii playing in the water together. Seems like those carefree fun days are gone from me for a while as of late. I swear I just cannot get on top of these emotions I feel wash over me throughout the day. I start by being angry - fucking pissed- and that usually works well for my workouts and long runs. In fact I did a 90 minute tempo run the other day and didn't even remember running. I drove the miles I covered and it was 14.7. Didn't seem that far when your mind is occupied with other pressing matters. Then usually after that wave I get a case of the break downs. I try to pull myself outta that quickly and do a 180 because it does absolutely nothing for me.It's not like Brendan gives a FUCK how I feel - he's traveling with his new girlfriend and laughing and being carefree. While I am here suffering. What a fucker! So after that I get pissed off again and the cycle restarts. I have some physical stuff happening with me so I have that to also weigh on my mind as well, which is an added bonus. I started my own business this week - I prepare Zone meals all weighed and measured out in 2 block snacks and 4 block meals. Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday evening I spend a few hours cooking, measuring and weighing the portions. In the morning I pack my cooler with the meals and drop off to CrossFit Santa Cruz Central after my early clients and before taking the kids to school. Delivery days are Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So far I have sold out of every meal and people were pissed they missed out if they got there too late. So.....that's been going well and I really enjoy doing that. Now I get people wanting more and thanking me for the yummy meals. I have a new amazing room mate her name is Heidi and I adore her. Shes one of the most beautiful women I have met and I can't wait to spend more time with her. She's a makeup artist, so she's going to do my makeup for photo shoots and going out. Can't wait. I tell her she reminds me of Kat Von D. - which she does and i idolize that girl!! It's been fun having a girlfriend around. Today I take it by the hour. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and care only about themselves..... I've never operated that way and I don't like being treated like dog shit. I'm a person, I feel, I cry, I deserve much better.

Wake Up Alone

Its ok in the day
I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he,
Got so sick of crying,
So just lately,
When I catch myself I do a 180.
I stay up clean the house; at least I'm not drinking,
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking,
That silence sense of content that everyone gets,
Just disappears soon as the sunsets.

He gets fierce in my dreams seizing my guts,
He floors me with dread.
Soaked to soul he swims in my eyes by the bed.
Pour myself over him,
Moon spilling in,
And I wake up alone.

Regardless my heart,
I'd rather be restless.
Second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless.
This ache in my chest,
'Cause my day is done now.
The dark covers me and I cannot run now.
My blood running cold,
I stand before him.
It"s all I can do to assure him,
When he comes to me,
I drip for him tonight,
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light.

He is fierce in my dreams seizing my guts,
He floods me with dread.
Soaked to his soul, he swims in my eyes by the bed.
Pour myself over him,
Moon spilling in,
And I wake up alone.
And I wake up....alone...

No Waves Today...

My son Brandon and Brendan wishing for waves on the North Shore. This picture makes me cry because its so amazing and I wanted to blow it up and hang it in our house. Yesterday my son asked if I could frame one for his room. He's such a love - and this whole change has really hit him hard. Brendan and he were buddies and it took a long time for my son to open up to him and to trust him, that he was going to actually be around. Hawaii was special because me son really bonded more with Brendan. He learned how to boogie board from B and even though he was scared and B wasn't the nicest most patient teacher - he faced his fears and got out there and did it. From that point on, my son didn't want to go in the water if B wasn't there to protect him I guess. I called him B's little shadow. They played video games, card games, and would hang out from time to time. I really don't think B understands that it's hard on my son right now. I got Brandons phone the other day and saw that he was texting B every day. So sweet. It'll take some time for him to adjust....he lost his friend and live-in male. His father is an amazing man who is in the kids lives daily, so B wasn't a father figure - more like a special friend that he really bonded with. And it hurts him. He doesn't understand really. He still asks me if we're spending Christmas together. I try to protect Brandons view of B because he is his friend, and I want it to stay that way....

This is a picture of Brendan and I in Hawaii at the Polynesian Cultural Center. We spent all day there - I made everybody play tourist with me and attend a luau, which everybody HATED except for me. I have fun anywhere when it's different. Looking at these pictures now is hard, because I thought we were going to last. But - at least we will have memories. I KNOW for a fact that I touched Brendans life, as he touched mine. We will always be in each others lives, it's just the way it's going to be. What we had was real - even if it ended super shitty. As I write he's traveling across the US with that Allison NYC. But I can smile, because I know what she is to him....he told me. She will never get the part of him that I got to have for 3 years - plus I know him like nobody else does. That's what love is right? Anyway, its a shame I didnt post while we were still together - but this is healing for me to post now....

This was in Hawaii....Brendan and I were going out on a date to sushi together. I got this amazing dress at Ms. Sixty ...it was a splurge - but man did I look great in it ;) I am looking forward to meeting new men and dating sometime soon. I can't remember the last time I dated. Truth be told, its a little exciting to me, but also scary. For now I am healing my heart, spending quailty time with my completely amazing children, and reconnecting with all my friends that I lost while being in relationship. I tell you, that is the best that has come from this situation for me. My friends have all rallied around my side and I have been busy every second of every day. Last night my running partner turned lawyer came for dinner and we stayed up talking, laughing and having the best time until way past my bed time. Then I got a series of the sweetest messages from a new amazing man, which caused me to fall asleep with a smile on my face. I've been invited out for coffee dates, and running dates, and movie dates....my schedule packed. Before I always wanted to hang with B so I never asked friends out....now it's so much fun. Plus it gets my mind of of my hurt. I'll post pics of my kiddos too.

Hawaii 2008

Funny how life changes in just a blink of an eye. This photo was taken July 30th in Hawaii. I took Brendan and my children for a family vacation to visit Oahu. We stayed in a condo in downtown Waikiki and did so many fun adventures while we were there. I swear We were up at 7am and running around the entire island - never made it back to the condo before 6pm or so just to get ready and head back out. This picture was taken at Sunset Beach on the North Shore. I will NEVER forget that day. That day as Brendan and I lay beside eachother on the sand - watching the kids in the water and laughing....I wished what i was feeling would never end. I was so happy, content....completely in love with who was beside me and where we were. I said a silent prayer.."God this seems too good to be true....please dont let this feeling end." Well, within weeks of coming back my life was ripped out from under me. Brendan decided to move to Virginia in search of a new life. New job, new career, new everything - including a new woman by his side. I was completely devistated to say the least. I still am trying to understand something that cannot be understood. How a person who says he loves me can do a 180 in 5 days and completely change his life and walk away from me - our love and our committment I probably will never understand. For now I try to heal. I remember the good times. I cry over the bad times. I wish him back. I wish he'd stay away from me and out of my life forever. Then I wish him to come back to me the very next minute. Life is a crazy ride. Sometimes life is like a merry - g0- round and we keep repeating the same easy predictable situations. Other times its a rollercoaster....I am on that roller coaster and I want to get the hell off! That movie Parenthood says it all....

Anyway, I will post more. I appreciate all the letters, emails, posts, calls, and love I have gotten from so many people. I mean, even New Zealand! If anybody can offer me advice and how to move on, I will open my ears because I can say that I do not have the tools for that at this moment where I am standing. Betrayal hurts a lot of people.... I am a strong victorious woman though and I will get through this. I will be a better woman because I went through this and survived and grew. It's just the "now" that hurts......

WTF!?

Well.....Am I chopped liver or something ??? When betrayal happens in your life you can't help but wonder.."what's wrong with me?" The reality is that it has nothing to do with me. People make choices and decisions in their lives, unfortunately sometimes without taking into consideration how their choices will affect others. I know I am strong, healthy, kind, and thoughtful...I have much love in my heart which is why it gets hurt easily. Posting this pic is probably a little shallow....but truthfully , I could use a little ego boost! :)