Thursday, January 04, 2007
I HATE NOT RUNNING!!!
I took this picture yesterday so I could see what i look like. I have a problem sometimes with the way that I see myself. I think I'm WAY larger than I really am....and when I can't run my view of myself gets worse. It's been 4 days since I was able to run....really run....and my heart is breaking. Went to the doctors yesterday and he thinks I have a miniscus tear on my right knee - if he's right, I will need surgery to repair it. That means crutches, and out of running for at least 4 weeks. 4 WEEKS!!!! You've got to be fucking kidding me!!! Obviously he doesn't know what those words did to me - I broke down and cried in his office. Without running - I don't know what i am. I already have been struggling with the fact that I haven't been competing like I normally do because of all the events of the past year made it hard for me to focus on those things. My pace has slowed, and I have been having aches and pains that made it hard to really push myself like I used to. If I need surgery that means another Boston will pass me by. I've missed going to Boston 2 years in a row - even though I have qualified. My heart was set on running it this year as fast as I could with a new PR....3 hours. Unless you run with your heart I don't think you understand what that means to me. A large part of what makes me me is the fact that I run....it's a spiritual thing for me. I run with a huge smile on my face - I feel free. I work things out in my mind while passing miles, I breathe in the ocean air, I push myself and it makes me feel good about who I am. Nothing makes me feel like running does .......nothing. I am trying to remain positive and see the good side of it. But nothing jumps out at me at the moment. Today I am tempted to get on Lilly and "jog" for a while just so that I can feel like me again, but I know that will ultimately make it worse for me. Besides, the doctor could be wrong, right ? I get another MRI done hopefully next week so he can have a look at my knee and with good luck maybe I won't need surgery - just a little break. I'm going to CrossFit today to do a hard workout and maybe that will make me feel better. Brendan and I were supposed to be filmed doing a workut against eachother this Sunday at the track - we had to cancel. PLEASE SEND YOUR PRAYERS TO ME TO GET BETTER - I really want to race against him :) Anyways, that's my sob story for today....I will keep you posted. Oh, I can control what I eat, right ? So if I can't run like normal then I will stick to the Zone even more strictly so I don't get large. :)