Slippery....

It was cold, and slippery, but worth it. I guess my perception of what I look like may be off...because I don't think I look like THIS...but it's me. CrossFit does give you an ass, where running didn't. :) Must be them heavy back squats...thanks EVA!!

Getting Sexier....

Again...photoshoot with Hill last night at NSC. Do you like em???

Pictures from Hill

Hill is so amazing at photography....lighting...poses. There's a lot that goes into getting that one shot he has in his head....I like this one..

Photo Shoot with Hillgard

Had another photoshoot with Hill last night. This one was at CrossFit NSC for some athletic shots. I really love the way they came out. I'll post more as they get uploaded. It was freaking cold at 8 30 at night....a little suffering was worth it. I think they came out great!

December 2006 CIM

This is from the 2006 CIM marathon - Brendan was a great help for me and I finished strong. I will dedicate mile 6 to him this year as that's when I get warmed up and get in the groove....

Reflection.....

This time of year is always a time of self reflection for me. It reminds me of when I first moved here way back when, 1992 to be exact....in December. I was an absolute MESS when I made the move from San Jose to Santa Cruz. I was at a dead end in my life - drug addicted and completely lost. I didn't feel my life at all...I was merely existing. In my heart I know I wanted a fresh start but really didn't know how one would find me. When the love of my life died in 1992 I couldn't get any lower....I escaped to Santa Cruz to detox and start to know what living was really all about. The smells at thi stime of year can set me right back to that part of my life....the misty ocean mornings, the fog blanketed ocean shores, the Christmas lights on the boats at the harbor...all of it. This morning when I left the house and heard the waves crashing - I took in a big whiff of the salty air and my mind was right back to those feelings I had as a young 23 year old trying to survive. The tears started to flow....I wasn't even really sad per se, but crazy how I can just go there so quickly. Then the self reflection was in effect. What the hell am I doing with my life? Is this all there is? For me? My mind raced to my x husband and all the damage I caused his heart. These feelings were intertwined with my hurt feelings over what Brendan did to me....the words "Karma" escaped through my lips. Will forgiveness ever overtake my heart? How can I ask forgiveness from the father of my children...the man I spent 16 years with , if I can't walk in it as well? My head hung low. I asked God to help me....just like I do nearly every day. Some days my life choices are way too much for me to handle and I find myself not able to breathe. Am I destined to always have this label? To live this life? Or will I find my true happiness? You know...I used to believe that the only human emotion that mattered was pain. Happiness leaves you at some point. Pain....it never leaves you. You are forever scarred with what painful things you have managed to walk throiugh in your life. As crazy as it sounds these situations mold you into who you are today. I have walked through a lot in my life....and I have survived! I have calmed down a lot and have learned many lessons. I embrace what my life has unfolded to be.....and still I march on ahead. I am on my way to Sacramento to run the California International Marathon - for the 8th time. This will be my 18th marathon and the first time going at it alone. No friends to run with, no husband and children to welcome me at the finish line....no Brendan to hold me after wards. It's perfect. A time to go inward and reflect. I have decided to dedicate each mile to a different person. This will give me something to think about and focus on. I will post the list later.....I'm not going to set any records - just to qualify for Boston. I've qualified for Boston 4 other years and have never gone.....this time I want to. I only have to finish in 3:45......the last time I raced this course I finished in 3:16....plenty of room. I'll post my training as well later....I am at race weight (damn it was hard and I didn';t think I'd make it) but I am at 101.5 pounds. I like to do marathons at no heavier that 102 - it's just how I like to run. I've been eating ZONE - but just less blocks. I feel great! My strength is still there - and even though I an nervous - I feel ready. This week has had a lot of new beginnings for me in it - and I am excited to see where everything leads.......for now it leads me to Sacramento.....RACE ON!!!

Finished Image

This is the edited version of the picture Hill took that I liked the best. What do you think ?

Pin Up Girl Photo Shoot

Last night was a super fun night. My client Brittany has a photographer who was cool enough to shhot me and a friend. We had a blast! My x husbands girlfriend, Julie, did our makeup and she made me look flawless. Thanks Julie! She managed to erase my freckles : ) I'll post a couple more from the shoot. When asked why I wanted to do the shoot I said it's because I'm turning 40 in January - I went through a bad breakup - my confidence is down and I want to feel beautiful......Thanks to Hill, the photographer, I feel a little better.

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Remembering....

So I got a call a while back from B saying he was remembering the good times...like this one when we got lost on a run. I remember it well. We got lost, took a wrong turn. Ended up running almost 6 miles further than expected. Ran out of water. Had zero food. All we could think of was finding the aid station. When we did we practically camped out there and ate everything in site before we continued to the finish. I made him run 24 miles that day...almost a marathon. He did great and we had one of the best times ever. We will never forget that day I'm sure. Weird how times change.. even after hurt affects you, you can still feel the sting of pain, but at the same time have a warmness fill you from thoughts of great times. 3 years was a long time to make memories. Nobody can take those away from us. I still cherish them, always will....and I know even though all that happened, he does to. Strange I know.....but I still care.

A song that speaks to me PERFECTLY...

He broke....my heart
and now it's raining....just don't rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy 'bout it

You say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came around
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright.....it's alright
It's alright
It's alright...it's alright
It's alright

Yes, I was burned
but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
soI call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
soI call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes some lies
Can take a minute
to fully realize
His tears your heart
30 seconds to apologize

You'll give him one more chance
just like the time before
but he already knows
you'd give a hundred more
Til that night in bed
you wake up in a sweat
you're racing toward the door
Can't take it any more

I was burned
but I called it lesson learned
Mistake overturned
and I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
so I call it a lesson learned

Life perfect aint perfect if you don't know
what the struggles for
falling down aint falling down
if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past
and I'm getting past
and I aint nothing like I was before

You ought to see me now....

Yes, I was burned
but I call is lesson learned......
Mistake overturned
and I call it lesson learned
Another lesson learned.....

My Awesome Roomie

This is Curtis Keene....he is incredible! He races for Specialized in the downhill mountain bike category and is dubbed "The American Dream" . A name that totally suits him. I guess a photographer gave him that nickname and it stuck. I've been reading about his sport, what he does, and checking out the magazine articles and websites, there are a lot of em! He rides and races for a living...I mean...this is what he does for a JOB! He lives a blessed life and is really humble about his talents. Curtis is nothing short of amazing! Seriously....to be a professional athlete takes dedication and talent. The thought of powering down a muddy hill full throttle as fast as you possibly can - over roots, dips, hills, you name it is beyond crazy to me. When I used to do duathlons, I would unclip down the hills and run with my bike! The thought of wiping out is scary to me. I guess I better get over that quick because Curtis and my Specialized clients plan on torturing me on a ride like I torture them at CrossFit. Curtis started CrossFitting with me and Zoning also - so watch out! He's already really great at most of the movements, especially the fast metcon ones...like wall ball! I feel a Karen WOD coming soon for him...also he's incredibly fast on the rower. His time for a 1k and a 500 is the fatsest on the board at Central. Anyway, he got that new toy in the picture a day after he moved in and is finally taking it for a ride today....stoked!! I hope everybody has a great day! Oh yea..weird thing is his name is Keene - mine is Keener.....crazy! Hes an electrition by trade (only 2 months out of the year) and his family owns Keene Electric in Scotts Valley - a place I always drove by and wondered who these Keene people were! Life is great!!

Olympic Weightlifting Cert with Aimee Anaya and Greg Everett In Chico

This past weekend I attended the cert in Chico at CrossFit NorCal hosted by Greg Everett and Aimee Anaya. I was invited as a guest of Aimees and drove up with Eva T. for the weekend. We had a great time and I learned tons of useful cues, and corrections on some of the big lifts like snatching and cleaning. Big thank you to Niki and Rob Wolf and Aimee and Greg and my hero Eva T. One of the profound thoughts of the weekend for me was that I attended as SHARI. Not Brendans girlfriend.....as myself. I was a seperate entity at a CrossFit event hosted with people Brendan and I knew as a couple and although it was a little different at first, I quickly relaxed and was just myself. Thank God for Eva T. She speaks truth to me and when I feel a moment of weakness, I call her. When you are stuck in a situation and can't see out (I call it the black hole) you need somebody close to you to throw you a lifeline. Eva is that person for me. She threw me a rope several times this past weekend and pulled me out of the dark cave. Thanks Eva. I love you....my guardian angel.

Paint Ball Fun Day

Brandon and I went paint balling in the SC mountains with my awesome client Chris and his son Jack a while back and had a great time! I loved the feeling of being able to shoot people without hurting them, and running, ducking and hiding so I don't get taken out! Brandon had fun and even though he was a little apprehensive at first, loosened up when he realized Chris was covering him. Chris was awesome! He let us use his fast equipment and watched out for Brandon the entire time... More fun days ahead I'm sure

Food For Thought....

"What he said is that love is like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily doses of love ? Just like a drug, you need your everyday doses. He used to say that most relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn't love, who only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate eachother, their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and the drug addict."

Mastery of Love.....

Chris H!!!

My new client Chris H. I ADORE this man. He's an accomplished runner who was sponsored by Asics and competed around the world in events ranging from World Championships to the IronMan in Hawaii. The bottom picture is Chris taking 2nd place OVERALL at the IronMan in Hawaii. The car driving next to him is NBC Sports recording him on his run. He's an amzing runner, athlete and great person as well. We're going paint balling this weekend with our kids to have a good time. Brandon is excited to shoot a gun,,,,and it'll be fun to enjoy with a new friend.

Joe Buckley

aka BUCK - he's my M, W F 5am guy and a total bad ass to say the least. He works out with his wife, Jen, who I'll post soon and Ian. There is pretty much nothing short of intense to describe Buck. He works for Specialized and tests mountain bikes for a living. He rides hard and strong and took first place at the Sea Otter Classics downhill slolum course this year. Buck came to me around 1.5 years ago not aboe to perform a good squat, but quickly hit all the movements with ease and continues to amaze the people around him with his strength. He competed at the CrossFit games this past year and did so well, he even beat many others in his heat. He beat a lot of guys in the run, who I thought would actually come in front of him just because of his absolute HATE for running - but there's one thing about Buck - He brings EVERYTHING he has to each and every workout. I swear, I don't think he's ever mellowed out since I started training him! He's got muscle ups, handstand pushups, crazy deadlift strength and can snatch like nobody's business. He and his wife Jen make up a "Power Couple" and they are a force to watch out for. I'm going to talk them into competing at the Games again this upcoming year - so look for them. They are training hard and heavy every session and have plenty of air...It's easy for me to wake up at 4am just because i know I'm going to a gym to train some crazy bad asses who never complain, and who chase perfection....every single time!!

Mary The Principal!!

This is one of my eary morning 5am ers Mary. She just happens to be my son Brandons principal at middle school.....and she rocks! Mary does triathlons and climbed Mt. Whitney recently and plans to go back for a second go at it soon. She pushes hard every class and even though she hates to go heavy - I make her and she always meets the demands I put before her. She once said to me "man..we're crazy for coming here at 5am and waking up at 4 these days!" I responded...."you're not crazy...just dedicated!" And so it goes with Mary....dedicated to her workouts and to all the kids at the SV Middle School. I trust her completely to watch over my son while he's there....plus it's a bonus to know if he got into any trouble during the day!! ;)

Ian Chambers

This is another amazing client - Ian Chambers. He is a chiropractor at healing Waves in Santa Cruz and I had the chance to see him last week for an adjustment and let me say - it was probably the BEST I have ever had! He uses a very gently approach unlike any other chiro I have gone to in the past - which was refreshing. After leaving his office I felt more centered, like my body was actually in alignment for the first time. He used electrodes to test each vertabrae for muscle tightness and seems that every single muscle in my back was lit up! I know I have major problems with my c5 (upper neck area) and this just confirmed it. Anyway he's amazing - go see him! As far as training him - I love it! He pushes really hard every session and always moves well. Dream client to say the least!! More about Ian soon. Plus he's a runner so he already has a special place in my heart because of that!!

Oldie But Goodie....

From CrossFit San Diego when I went there for a visit....great workout!!

From "CrossFit Fire" website.....

"Bill and I had the pleasure of attending a CrossFit Running & Endurance Certification over the weekend. The certification covered the basics of running using the "Pose" method. CrossFit Chicago hosted the cert, and it was an absolute blast! Brian MacKenzie, Carl Borg and Shari Keener were all there to instruct, critique, coach and push us when our bodies were aching. In their defense, Carl DID warn us that we would be VERY sore. I honestly had no idea I had such bad running form until this weekend. I always knew running was my kryptonite, but at least now I know how to make it better. Here is a summary of what I learned this weekend:

1. Running is WAY more complicated than just putting on a cute outfit, tying your shoes and hitting the street
2. With enough skills & drills even the worst runner (me) can improve their technique
3. Slow motion running videos are almost as unflattering as slow motion jump rope videos, but not quite
4. I have muscles in my legs/feet that I didn't even know existed
5. The muscles I didn't know existed are sissies, and need to be worked more often
6. All your beautiful new running form will turn into a painful limp the Monday after a running certification
7. Shari Keener is the hottest CrossFitting woman on the planet!

To explain #7...has anyone seen a woman with about 6% body fat? I haven't until this weekend. We can add Shari's pictures to the list of pictures to show women when they talk about being afraid of "bulking up" from CrossFitting.

Oh my GOD...I love this girl....not only is she funny as all HELL, but her energy is through the roof to say the least! I enjoyed meeting everybody - especially HER!!

SF Crippler gets ahold of me!!

BMack gives the rocker hand in victory over my lunchtime annihilation in Chicago!!! Thank you sir may I have another.....












Me and coach Carl. He's pretty much fast as lightning! Hopefully some of that will rub off on me and I'll get faster too!!

I can clean up pretty good....

Here I am getting ready to go out with some friends, which is something I am doing more of. I have to say ... I have THE best friends anybody could ask for. A great lesson that I have learned is just how many people I have in my life that care about me. Today I feel super thankful for all the relationships I have in my life....because they are QUALITY relationships. That means everything to me....

Chicago Running Cert

It just doesn't get much better than this picture! Here I am loving being between two amazing men..Carl and BMack from CrossFit Newport. I was lucky enough to tag along for the Running Cert in Chicago this past weekend where I learned tons and got to help coach the POSE method to the attendees. This picture was taken after a lunchtime workout they put me through...dubbed "The SF Crippler"...30 backsquats at bodyweight and a 1k row for time. I absolutely loved working out with these two beasts and love the after pic even more! Brian used to call me "spider web" because of all the veins that stick out all over me...now my new nickname is "fetus"....they called me that all weekend long. Good thing I didn't mind !...we ate the best pizza downtown and had chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert...yes, cheat day was in order. Being around these two is seriously like a dream for me. Running mixed with CrossFit is absolutely heaven in my world. Getting to be around my mentors and soak up their knowledge was exactly what I needed. I am looking forward to traveling more with them, and helping Carl out with teaching the drills at the next cert. Don't know where it'll be just yet that I'm headed - but I am READY! I flew all by myself this time around and dread flying. I have come a long way this past month and am growing emotionally and am seriously the strongest I have ever been in my life. I do not need anybody to make me feel good about who I am. I am content in my skin and am probably the happiest I have been in a very long time. Conquering my fear of flying was just the tip of how I surprise myself with my strength. I even slept in all flights! Anybody who knows me knows how HUGE that is for me!! I met amazing people there in Chicago, and took tons of pictures. Life is taking me in a different path than I had planned, but it is turning out to be the right path for me. Life is good......(fetus out!)

Ian Schiller

This is my client Ian. He's Marians boyfriend and trains with me Monday Wednesday and Friday with Jen and Buck (ill post them later) at 5am at NSC. Ian's an avid mountain bike rider (he's pretty bad ass at it) and owns his own media company Parish Media. He shoots commercials, print work, and picture ads for many clients including some sports teams. He's a jokester and makes coming in at 5am fun for me. Ian's favorite thing to do is to try and get me to compromise the workout somehow. Either by reps scheme or weight used or rounds. He says that one day the workout will be for them to make me take a dose of my own medicine and they'll train me while they yell at me like I do to them! I love it. Ian's always been pretty strong, but he's gotten a lot stronger for sure. He has amazing back squat, bench press and snatch strength and races Buck at every workout. Another amazing client of mine! Oh, Ian started training with me shortly after Marian did...maybe it was a competitive streak in the house. lol.....love these guys!! Thanks for making Monday - Friday 4am wake up easy to do. Not very many people can say that they love what they do for a living and I am one of the lucky ones who can say that and truly mean it. I'm proud to be their trainer!!!

Marian Crockett

Ah...Marian. She is probably the client that has made the most improvement. I've been training Marian since 2006 and she could not perform a squat without falling over and couldn't hold her body in a plank. She was weak beyond weak and had zero muscle mass. She was a runner when I met her...actually met her at the Santa Cruz Track Club Monday night workout. It was her, Jen and Leslie who asked me while doing 400 meter repeats what I did to look the way I do...I said "CrossFit baby!" The rest is history! They quickly became my first crazy 5am group and would train with me every Tues and Thurs 5am at the old CrossFit SC HQ gym. I taught Marian how to fuel her body for performance and to taper from running so much so she could put her all into the programming at CF. Look how her body changed! I'm going to ask her for a before pic so you all can see what i mean....but trust me, she looks like a different woman. Healthy, Strong and making PR's left and right. Marian has a crazy deadlift strength...in fact I think that's her fav exercise. Her 3 rep max is 190 and she's a little thing weighing 115 pounds. She's got 13 kipping pullups and she worked so hard to just get 1. I love my 5am girls.....and I love watching them do what they didn't think possible for them, and see how their bodies change.....next up I have to post about Jen Buckley....she's nothing short of amazing!!! Yea Marian!!!

Brittany aka BritHoney

I'm going to start introducing my amazing clients here on my bog. This is Brittnay....she's a talented model and also starred in a musical where she played "Ariel" from The Little Mermaid. Can you see the resemblance? I met BritHoney a few months back when I was walking out of Starbucks in Scotts Valley. She ran up to me at my car and asked if I was a personal trainer. I said..."yea I am...I train here in Sv at CrossFit....blah blah blah..." She asked for my business card and told me she wanted to look like me. I thought..."aww...she's so freaking sweet!" Anyway, she ended up emailing me and the rest is history. When she first came to me she could maybe perform 5 air squats at a time without having to stop for air and to stretch out her legs. Seriously...she would get winded and cheat full extension as best she could and hated anything that was too sweaty. BUT NOW.....she is amazing! She can do squats without a problem, pushups, dips, and her power clean is beautiful!! It's truly a joy to train her...she's a kind hearted, loving, friendly woman. She always comes to her session ready to push hard and continue even if she feels like crying during the WOD. Look for her because she's just getting better and better.,.....and I love being a part of her life. PLUS...she just got started on the Zone and so far so good. I have no doubt she will do everything she puts her mind to!

Here I Come Chicago Run Cert!!

I started off the weekend having a great time. Went to dinner with a friend Friday night and out with the girls and my awesome room mate last night at Seascape Resort. Heidi's a bartender there and the bar/restaurant is really nice. I got to meet some of her friends, and she met my running partner turned lawyer ,Emily, and my other girlfriend Delane. I didn't get back home until after 2am...haven't done that in a while and it felt great to be out and laugh. Woke up today having to deal with some drama and bullshit that I don't want and didn't ask for. Break ups are nasty...even if I was the one who was hurt. I cannot understand how some people have zero regard for another persons feelings. Then I realize that unless you have experienced hurt of any kind, you cannot possibly understand the magnitude of what it feels like. In my lifetime I have had enough painful experiences, and I am ready for some happy times. Seems they are on their way to me finally and I am looking forward to them! New Zone business, races to run, coaching new clients, and traveling. I will be in Chicago next weekend for the running cert and cannot wait! I'll close by saying I'm expected by certain people to move on...heal....get over it. I will morn and grieve the loss of my relationship of 3 years however I need to and for as long as it takes. You cannot speed up healing or grief to fit what others want you to do. : )

Shari and Heidi

Me and my new awesome room mate Heidi. Notice I did some shoe therapy shopping....amazing wine colored patent leather mary janes. LOVE THEM!! So I get a call today from an amazing man in seattle telling me how he appreciates the fact that I am transparent and vulnerable on my blog. I told him thank you that I appreciate that because some people out there say I should not talk about whats been going on in my life or mention names or situations. But after talking with him I realized ...TOUGH! I am who I am. I will write what I feel because it is healing for me. People forgot that I have been hurt - badly - this is what I need to do to heal. If you don't want to read about my personal thoughts then you don't have to... : )

Easy Carefree Days....where are they?!

Here's me and my main man in Hawaii playing in the water together. Seems like those carefree fun days are gone from me for a while as of late. I swear I just cannot get on top of these emotions I feel wash over me throughout the day. I start by being angry - fucking pissed- and that usually works well for my workouts and long runs. In fact I did a 90 minute tempo run the other day and didn't even remember running. I drove the miles I covered and it was 14.7. Didn't seem that far when your mind is occupied with other pressing matters. Then usually after that wave I get a case of the break downs. I try to pull myself outta that quickly and do a 180 because it does absolutely nothing for me.It's not like Brendan gives a FUCK how I feel - he's traveling with his new girlfriend and laughing and being carefree. While I am here suffering. What a fucker! So after that I get pissed off again and the cycle restarts. I have some physical stuff happening with me so I have that to also weigh on my mind as well, which is an added bonus. I started my own business this week - I prepare Zone meals all weighed and measured out in 2 block snacks and 4 block meals. Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday evening I spend a few hours cooking, measuring and weighing the portions. In the morning I pack my cooler with the meals and drop off to CrossFit Santa Cruz Central after my early clients and before taking the kids to school. Delivery days are Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So far I have sold out of every meal and people were pissed they missed out if they got there too late. So.....that's been going well and I really enjoy doing that. Now I get people wanting more and thanking me for the yummy meals. I have a new amazing room mate her name is Heidi and I adore her. Shes one of the most beautiful women I have met and I can't wait to spend more time with her. She's a makeup artist, so she's going to do my makeup for photo shoots and going out. Can't wait. I tell her she reminds me of Kat Von D. - which she does and i idolize that girl!! It's been fun having a girlfriend around. Today I take it by the hour. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and care only about themselves..... I've never operated that way and I don't like being treated like dog shit. I'm a person, I feel, I cry, I deserve much better.

Wake Up Alone

Its ok in the day
I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he,
Got so sick of crying,
So just lately,
When I catch myself I do a 180.
I stay up clean the house; at least I'm not drinking,
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking,
That silence sense of content that everyone gets,
Just disappears soon as the sunsets.

He gets fierce in my dreams seizing my guts,
He floors me with dread.
Soaked to soul he swims in my eyes by the bed.
Pour myself over him,
Moon spilling in,
And I wake up alone.

Regardless my heart,
I'd rather be restless.
Second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless.
This ache in my chest,
'Cause my day is done now.
The dark covers me and I cannot run now.
My blood running cold,
I stand before him.
It"s all I can do to assure him,
When he comes to me,
I drip for him tonight,
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light.

He is fierce in my dreams seizing my guts,
He floods me with dread.
Soaked to his soul, he swims in my eyes by the bed.
Pour myself over him,
Moon spilling in,
And I wake up alone.
And I wake up....alone...

No Waves Today...

My son Brandon and Brendan wishing for waves on the North Shore. This picture makes me cry because its so amazing and I wanted to blow it up and hang it in our house. Yesterday my son asked if I could frame one for his room. He's such a love - and this whole change has really hit him hard. Brendan and he were buddies and it took a long time for my son to open up to him and to trust him, that he was going to actually be around. Hawaii was special because me son really bonded more with Brendan. He learned how to boogie board from B and even though he was scared and B wasn't the nicest most patient teacher - he faced his fears and got out there and did it. From that point on, my son didn't want to go in the water if B wasn't there to protect him I guess. I called him B's little shadow. They played video games, card games, and would hang out from time to time. I really don't think B understands that it's hard on my son right now. I got Brandons phone the other day and saw that he was texting B every day. So sweet. It'll take some time for him to adjust....he lost his friend and live-in male. His father is an amazing man who is in the kids lives daily, so B wasn't a father figure - more like a special friend that he really bonded with. And it hurts him. He doesn't understand really. He still asks me if we're spending Christmas together. I try to protect Brandons view of B because he is his friend, and I want it to stay that way....

This is a picture of Brendan and I in Hawaii at the Polynesian Cultural Center. We spent all day there - I made everybody play tourist with me and attend a luau, which everybody HATED except for me. I have fun anywhere when it's different. Looking at these pictures now is hard, because I thought we were going to last. But - at least we will have memories. I KNOW for a fact that I touched Brendans life, as he touched mine. We will always be in each others lives, it's just the way it's going to be. What we had was real - even if it ended super shitty. As I write he's traveling across the US with that Allison NYC. But I can smile, because I know what she is to him....he told me. She will never get the part of him that I got to have for 3 years - plus I know him like nobody else does. That's what love is right? Anyway, its a shame I didnt post while we were still together - but this is healing for me to post now....

This was in Hawaii....Brendan and I were going out on a date to sushi together. I got this amazing dress at Ms. Sixty ...it was a splurge - but man did I look great in it ;) I am looking forward to meeting new men and dating sometime soon. I can't remember the last time I dated. Truth be told, its a little exciting to me, but also scary. For now I am healing my heart, spending quailty time with my completely amazing children, and reconnecting with all my friends that I lost while being in relationship. I tell you, that is the best that has come from this situation for me. My friends have all rallied around my side and I have been busy every second of every day. Last night my running partner turned lawyer came for dinner and we stayed up talking, laughing and having the best time until way past my bed time. Then I got a series of the sweetest messages from a new amazing man, which caused me to fall asleep with a smile on my face. I've been invited out for coffee dates, and running dates, and movie dates....my schedule packed. Before I always wanted to hang with B so I never asked friends out....now it's so much fun. Plus it gets my mind of of my hurt. I'll post pics of my kiddos too.

Hawaii 2008

Funny how life changes in just a blink of an eye. This photo was taken July 30th in Hawaii. I took Brendan and my children for a family vacation to visit Oahu. We stayed in a condo in downtown Waikiki and did so many fun adventures while we were there. I swear We were up at 7am and running around the entire island - never made it back to the condo before 6pm or so just to get ready and head back out. This picture was taken at Sunset Beach on the North Shore. I will NEVER forget that day. That day as Brendan and I lay beside eachother on the sand - watching the kids in the water and laughing....I wished what i was feeling would never end. I was so happy, content....completely in love with who was beside me and where we were. I said a silent prayer.."God this seems too good to be true....please dont let this feeling end." Well, within weeks of coming back my life was ripped out from under me. Brendan decided to move to Virginia in search of a new life. New job, new career, new everything - including a new woman by his side. I was completely devistated to say the least. I still am trying to understand something that cannot be understood. How a person who says he loves me can do a 180 in 5 days and completely change his life and walk away from me - our love and our committment I probably will never understand. For now I try to heal. I remember the good times. I cry over the bad times. I wish him back. I wish he'd stay away from me and out of my life forever. Then I wish him to come back to me the very next minute. Life is a crazy ride. Sometimes life is like a merry - g0- round and we keep repeating the same easy predictable situations. Other times its a rollercoaster....I am on that roller coaster and I want to get the hell off! That movie Parenthood says it all....

Anyway, I will post more. I appreciate all the letters, emails, posts, calls, and love I have gotten from so many people. I mean, even New Zealand! If anybody can offer me advice and how to move on, I will open my ears because I can say that I do not have the tools for that at this moment where I am standing. Betrayal hurts a lot of people.... I am a strong victorious woman though and I will get through this. I will be a better woman because I went through this and survived and grew. It's just the "now" that hurts......

WTF!?

Well.....Am I chopped liver or something ??? When betrayal happens in your life you can't help but wonder.."what's wrong with me?" The reality is that it has nothing to do with me. People make choices and decisions in their lives, unfortunately sometimes without taking into consideration how their choices will affect others. I know I am strong, healthy, kind, and thoughtful...I have much love in my heart which is why it gets hurt easily. Posting this pic is probably a little shallow....but truthfully , I could use a little ego boost! :)

CrossFit NSC in the News!!

Sorry no picture.....grab a copy of the new Metro Santa Cruz. There's a write up about CrossFit NSC and a great picture of Brendan and I-----guess he labeled us "The Power Couple". Talk about corny~!!!

Starting a new hobby

Starting a new hobby is important. We should always try out new things even if they don't sound like we'd have fun doing them. My son decided he wanted to try out archery...turns out there's a archeryrange right around the corner from the gym. Go figure! So he and I went one day to give it at try - I'll admit I wasn't super stoked to shoot nor have I ever given it a thought. But once I was there - I kept an open mind and tried it anyway. I LOVED IT! It's harder than it looks to hit that dam target..let alone to get a bullseye! I managed to get only 1 and Brandon got one also. Since the first try he dcided it was something he wanted to do more ofetn so we bought him his own bow & arrow set. Now he can practise whenever he wants to...he's gtting pretty good too :)

Get out there and try something new today!

My daughter graduating Jr. High

This is my beautiful daughter (the blonde) and her friend Abby at graduation. I can't believe high school is her next stop!! I AM getting old!!I'm so proud of her and how hard she's orked these past years....high school will be amazig for her. My kids are everything to me...they make my life wonderful and everyday I am thankful that I get to be their mom.

8th Grade Graduate!!

Okay...so I've been MIA again for a long time! Sorry bout that....life gets busy around here.

Both of my children had big graduations this year. My son from elementary school and my daughter from jr. high. I can't believe I'll have a 8th grade son and a daughter in high school come fall. I don't FEEL old! LOL.....Here's a proud pic of me with my son after graduation. He's so amazing! I couldn't be more proud to call him my son. Way to go Little B!!!

gettin deep in the dip!!

Okay so I am a little out of order here - but I wanted to catch up with my posts. I have been training hard and lifting heavy in the hopes to build some strength on this little frame of mine. If you read the post before this one you'll see that I PR'd on my 5 rep deadlift, my 3 rep shoulder press, and my 5 rep back squat this week. It's been a great week for me!! I believe that getting enough sleep (which I am lucky to do), eating healthy in the Zone, taking the right supplements, having the right programming and happiness in your life can move mountains in your training. I am really hard on myself as far as what I think I should be able to do and I am competitive sometimes to a fault. If I don't do what I had my mind set on it throws me off the whole day. Brendan is exactly like that but he never lets himself down! He's a machine...and I love it!

So....here's last weeks workouts:

Monday 4-14:
am: GHD sit ups, hip extensions, ab mat sit ups 3x15 reps
kb swings, bench press at 65#, pull ups 3x15
strength recoveryt workout

Tuesday 4-15:
am: Xfit WOD
40 pullups, 40 dips, 400 meter run
30 pullups, 30 dips, 400 meter run
20 pullups, 20 dips, 400 meter run
10 pullups, 10 dips, 400 meter run

pm: 8x200 meters 38-40 sec
39, 38, 37, 38, 36, 38, 38, 40

Wednesday 4-16:
am: 15-12-9-6-3
sumo deadlift high pull at 68#
push jerk at 68#
TIME: 9:54

Thursday 4-17:
am: Xfit WOD
25 situps, 250 meter row, 15 bench press at 65# How many rounds in 20 minutes ?
I did 6 rounds
pm: I ran 1 hour with a client at her pace...

Friday 4-18:
am: Xfit WOD
7 thrusters at 73#
7 pullups
x3
800 meter run
5 thrusters
5 pullups
x3
800 meter run
3 thrusters
3 pullups
x3
800 meter run
TIME: 20:10

Back squat 3-3-3-3-3
125-135-135-140-145 NEW PR!!

pm: Tabata Treadmill

Saturday 4-19:
OFF!
Sunday 4-20:
am: 10k jog recovery

Shark Attack!!!

What a handsome guy my son Brandon is! He LOVES the Sharks and we were so lucky that Brendan's client Dave Chincuili gave us 5 tickets to the game 7 of the playoffs last Tuesday night. We of course were super stoked to get to go to this game. Brendan, me, my son and my daughter Sarah and her new boyfriend (also Brendan's friend) Ryan went. It was an exciting game and the Sharks WON!! At one point the crowd was so loud I had to actually plug my ears!! My son is a walking billboard for CrossFit - here hes managed to endorse both!

Here's my weeks workouts:

Monday April 21:
am: shoulder press 3-3-3-3-3-
68-68-68-68-68
back squat 5-5-5-5-5
113-133 -133-133-133- 138
Both new PR's!!
pm: Run10k recovery no time goal.

Tuesday 4-22:
am: 8x200 meters

:39, :39, :37, :37, :39, :39, :38, :39
pm: Xfit WOD
weighted pullups 1-1-1-1-1-1-1
15-20-25-30-35-35-35
Handstand pushups 3-3-3-3-3-3-3

"tabata This"
row, pullup, pushup, situp, squat Tabata style 5 rounds of each 1 min rest between exercises I scored 413 total

Wednesday 4-23:
am: run 10k at 80% exersion
pm: Xfit

shoulder press 53-58-58-58-58-63
push press 53-58-58-68-73-78
push jerk 53-58-63-73-83-88

Thursday 4-42:
am: 10k 45:05

Friday 4-25
am: Xfit WOD
deadlift 5-5-5-5-5
115-135-165-170-170-175
dips 21-15-12-9-6-3
After reaching a new PR in the 5 rep deads, I went for it! I put 190 on the bar and got it up 2 times! That's a new 1 rep PR and almost a new 3 rep PR!!!

pm: tabata treadmill

Saturday 4-26
OFF!!

Sunday 4-27

8x400's 1;20-1;25 rest 2 min between each.......