This is the Twin Lakes lighthouse off of East Cliff and the Yaht Harbor where I run every morning. Beautiful, isn't it ? Yup...again I say I live in the best place ever!! Today I am going to workout at Brendan's 9am class then head to Gizdich Ranch to pick apples with my children so we can bake fresh apple pies for tomorrow. Sound fun ? Apple pie is my favorite dessert.
The last few days has been a little rough on me. I can't pinpoint what the problem has been, or why I have been a little distant. I guess I have been searching myself and haven't really liked what I saw inside. I have been feeling needy - and to me, needy means weak. When I feel I'm being weak I am vulnerable to being hurt so in order to avoid that, I get extra clingy. Crazy little circle of emotional garbage really. I have never felt that way in a relationship before - needy that is. This is all new territory to me and I'm not really handling it too well. I'm afraid that i end up creating drama for myself where none is actually there. The mind is a powerful thing. Able to create situations and feelings basically from fear. I read the below this morning in the book "The Mastery of Love" by Miguel Ruiz.....
"What he said is that love is like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily doses of love ? Just like a drug, you need your everyday doses. He used to say that most relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn't love, who only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate eachother, their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and the drug addict."
In my marriage I was the provider and my x was the addict. I was manipulative and controlling. I decided when I would dish out some love and when I would recieve love from him. I see that now.....In my relationship with Brendan i feel like the drug addict. I want to be close to him, spend time with him, hold him, talk to him....all of that. I haven't felt like that in such a long time .. and frankly, it's a little scarey. Weird how tables turn in life sometimes. I want to be a strong woman for myself and for Brendan and our relationship. I have been through so much in the past year that peices of me have been stripped away, ad I am still healing from everything. I am so blessed to have B in my life that I don't want to blow it with him.
Okay, enough mushy stuff. I gotta get ready for CrossFit!! Have a beautiful day and workout so you can eats tons of turkey tomorrow!!!