Friday, December 01, 2006

Have you ever felt like everything you do is wrong ? Or like crawling inside yourself and simply disappearing? Welcome to my world today. I am at fault for wearing my emotions on my sleeve and for doing too much. If I am sad, I show it - I cry...I'm not one of those who hold it in and acts like everything is dandy. Nope, not me - I cry and cry until my eyes puff up and I feel like shit! Is that bad ? I think that I'm not good enough as the person that i am. At least that is how I see myself today. I feel that I have to be careful in every move that I make - am I acting okay ? Am I putting off a wrong vibe ? What am I saying ? Does it sound stupid? I feel like a mud pie gone bad - you know what mud pies are ? They are messy and dirty, sloppy no shape or form to them. You try really hard to get them to look nice, round - like a yummy pie that you are proud of making - but any way you look at it, it's made out of mud - DIRT. Not pretty - or tasty - just dirt. Yup, that's me. I used to be a clay vessel formed from God's own hands - He molded me, and made me into His vessel for His work. He said I was perfect the way i was, and I felt it. I didn't really analyze every move that i made becausze I made most of them in love. Okay, I was a little controlling and had some traits that needed adjustment for sure. Who doesn't ? But mostly I felt good - like I was good, there was good in me. I rarely cried, or felt extreme sadness. I had lots of friends who loved me and I loved them. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them. One of my friends loved to mountian bike and had a shitty bike that creaked when she rode it and the seat was torn. I bought her a new top of the line mountian bike - fit for her. Just to make her happy and want to ride more often and feel loved. My other friend started school and had a 1 year old at home - she was going to put her in day care but couldn't really afford the costs. I started watching her for free because I wanted to support my friends ambition to become a nurse without her worrying about her daughter's well being. Another friend got breast cancer and lived right down the street from me. After surgery she couldn't get out of bed on her own so I went there every morning to help her out of bed. I took her to the sauna to detox her body from chemo, I went to the health food store almost daily with her to get her the vitamin rich juice that she was recommended to drink everyday - hell, I even drank it with her so she didn't have to do it alone. It tasted like SHIT, but I did it. I went shopping for her, juiced her veggies for her, and made shure I was there to help her in any way she needed - clean the house ? Sure. Feed the dogs ? no problem. I hosted a dinner every Monday evening and cooked for 12 people - We bought all the food and wine and I spent the day cooking 3 course meals. Now wait a minute I am not trying to toot my own horn - this is going somewhere, just hang on. I belonged to a church for 13 years and i loved my church. I served as an overseer, worked in the childrens ministy, the food outreach, prayer team, and lead a home group.. Wherever they needed me, i was willing to be there. We gave 10% of all we made from the gross amount, I baked over 300 cookies for Christmas for the feast we would have. I LOVED everybody there. Now this is what i am getting at - when I decided to leave my husband all the above didn't matter anymore. I never got a fucking phone call from the pastor, or his wife. The friends I showed love to never called me, in fact they forgot all about me. The one whos daughter I watched was my best friend. She chose my x over me, and we are friends no more. In fact - I lost my entire world that i had for 13 years. So if I get a little over emotional sometimes give me a fucking break! I have been through a total life change and I am pissed, hurt, confused, lonely, lost, I am every emotion and I can't take it anymore. I feel like cracking!! Most of the time I can see that inside me I am still good and worthy to be loved and to be a friend. I genually care about people and want to make them happy. But I feel stuck and don't know how to make myself happy. Where is the fight in me ? Where is the woman who would say "This is me this is who I am....if you don't like it, I'm not changing for you!" Where is my ambition? I had such great ambition before. I know it's in there, buried somewhere inside. Okay - I feel better now. I know things will get easier and I will get new friends, real friends. I know that this is a phase and I will get my fight back because I am a fighter - I survive and get better. Thanks for listening. Now I'm going for a run to cry and not be judged for crying, to feel and take in everything. Hopefully I will end my run feeling lighter, happier, and with some focus and drive. God, are you still molding me ? Or have you given up on me like the others ? Remove the dirt from me and make me a beautiful vessel again - help me feel it. Help me know it.

17 comments:

Jen said...

I'm not judging you my new friend! Wish i could hug you for sure! Without going into a long story let me say I feel your pain. I was a youth group leader and a faithful friend in my church for years. I lost it all when I came out to them. 10 years of time spent loving them and the church all gone. I will say it was a little more than being gay, I also told them that I felt there was more than one way to heaven and that Christan's were not the only right way. I came to that thought because I was a missionary in Africa and met people from other faiths who I grow to love.
Anyhow, my friends of 10 years told me I was going to hell and that I was filled with evil. So I feel you frustration.
I can tell via a blog that your a good person. So, now the time has come in your life to believe in yourself and know that you are good because you know the truth about yourself. keep wearing your feelings so that others can see them. That's good for the world, it's true and real. Press passed this pain to a place where you live everyday knowing who you are and what your about.
Now I'm not a believer of God anymore. I've taking my faith to a new place. But if you still believe in that God that made you feel whole continue your faith with that. Don't let people make you loss sight in what you found there. People fail...everyone..me...you...everyone. Who the fuck are they to judge you? Really, that is such shit. People picking side and saying this is write or this is wrong. When did any God leave them in charge?
They were lucky to know you! Sorry, I get really ramped up about this stuff.
The best most freeing day in my life was when I realized that not everyone would like me and that I don't have to like everyone. I know that sounds mean, but it's not really, It's truth.
Live what you feel with wisdom. Keep crying and talking and loving just be wise about it.
Run like the wind sista!
Jen

Shari Baby said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
runrgrrl7 said...

I was married for almost 25 years, and decided to divorced my x. It wasn't working for us for a long, long time but i stayed because i was so scared to leave. We have 2 beautiful girls and i did'nt want them to have broken family. But you know what, one day i realized that i am not doing my girls a favor for staying in the marriage because they saw us unhappy and miserable. I was brought up catholic, i prayed, went to church and asked for guidance. One day it clicked, it's not the church that helped me it's me realizing that my emotions will be different everyday. I went through a lot, sadness, anger, frustration etc.... but i keep telling myself that it's all emotions, it'll all pass. I got into meditation. It helped me a lot. Hangout with positive and nonjudgemental people, people that will like and love me no matter what. I met my boyfriend 10 years ago he is the most loving, caring encouraging person i've ever met. He loves me no matter what. Until to this day we don't go to bed without saying i love you to each other.
I got into running 9 years ago. Running helps me a lot! When i'm happy i run, when i'm sad and down i run, everytime time i run, i feel like a new person!
Have a wonderful day and remember you are a wonderful person!!

ofie

Jen said...

conlin19@yahoo.com
drop me a line

Greg said...

Dear Shari, it's me God... Are you listening?

First off I need to speak to your former Pastor. He'll be receiving an appropriate beating. What he did to you was just wrong.

Secondly, I created you in my image.
So yes I am really freakin hot!

Thirdly, Jen uses a lot of profanity.
Lastly I have a feeling you are going to be fine. Once you hug the little ones and spend time with your boyfriend it'll all get better.

PS God does Crossfit and it leaves him sore in the muscles.

Catra said...

Hey Shari-
I kinda know your story. And I don't judge you. Everything happens for a reason.
When my husband left me and cheated on me. It was reverse. His friends didn't talk to me anymore. Not sure why but I didn't do anything. Ofie and her boyfriend are a few of my X's climbing friends that still talk to me.
Shari, I beleive there are two sides to each divorce and break up.
It's sad all your friends, or people you thought were your friends stopped talking to you.
It hurts when you are close to people and they do that to you.
Just keep your head up. If you stay positive you will attract positive people in your life.
Shari, you need to quit being so hard on yourself.
I hope you have a great run at CIM.
I really think you should do a 50k soon or at least come out and train with me and my crazy friends and do a 20 miler with us on Mission Peak soon.
Positive vibes coming your way on Sunday. I will send you energy when I'm running my 25 mile training run Sunday.
XOXO,
Catra

Jen said...

Twice God, I swore only twice! LOL

CrossFit Cape Fear & Designs In Fitness said...

Shari,
You're getting this from a fellow CFitter out in Fayetteville NC... CrossFit Cape Fear. I normally bounce around the affiliates to see what's going on and then yours popped up.

Everybody that's replied hit it on the head - include what you said, "people fail, not God". Typically I've found church to be great until you add the people element into it! LOL Though I have to say I've loved where my wife and I go (but then again, adversity shows character - both of the idividual and that of the "friends")

I just thought I'd drop a line and say you're in our prayers - hang in there and never give up the hope of something greater and better. HE provides (just typically later than we want - haha)

John Velandra
www.crossfitcapefear.com

CrossFit OG said...

Hi Shari,

... J-Dogg here.

First off, know you are loved, Shari. Brendan loves you. Your children love you. I love you. I love you, Brendan, and your children. Know that you and Brendan mean a great deal to me. My life is better having both of you in it.

I haven’t told you much about my past. I was not raised in a religious household as my father lost his faith after my mom died. I hated myself and life when I was a kid, and I think I hated GOD too. (I vaguely remember at my 4’th birthday party asking my Grandmother; “Why can’t my momy be here?”; and she replied; “Because GOD took her, honey.” ...When I was a kid I prayed to the devil every night for a good 6 months straight, ...till the demon came. I never prayed to the devil again after that. ...But that’s another story.

It took me a very long time to realize that the world would exist and observe itself, as it chose, with or without my approval. ...It took me a little longer to realize that I could exist and observe myself with or without the approval of the world.

...I don’t know why exactly, but I did not have a strong connection to my family growing up. Or at least, ...not after my mom died. But within me I felt a great sense of loyalty, honor, etc. I felt them very strongly. I built my entire existence upon my core friendships that I had at the time, ...my entire circle growing up. We were tight. I built everything upon friendship, loyalty and Honor. That was the foundation to my existence. My pillars. I was fiercly loyal and noble. They were everything to me, and I would do anything for them. Honor, Loyalty, Rightousness, ...all were words that defined me.

Did you ever hear or read the Sammy “The Bull” Gravano story? He was the second in command to Don Gotti, “The Teflon Don”. Gravano ultimately testified against Gotti and brought him and his organization down. He had assasinated many for Gotti and was FIERCLY loyal to him and the Mob. He fully embraced the entire “Code” and “Honor” and “Loyalty” thing that supposedly went along with the Mob. He built his entire existence on it. The FBI had told him that Gotti was planning on killing him because he felt that he was becomming too powerfull. He didn’t believe it. I mean, after all, ...he was totaly loyal to Gotti and never planned to overthrow him. ...But then he heard the tapes where Gotti was planning exactly that. He said in that one moment, ...everything he had built his life upon, his entire existence, ...had been ripped from him and torn away. ...He was devistated. ...The only thing he could think about after that was his wife and kids.

In a nut shell, ...That’s how I felt. My entire existence had been torn from me and everything that defined “me” had crumbled. ...I had nothing. ...I was betrayed by them all (I won’t go into details) and many of them betrayed each other. I was devistated. It was a sickening feeling that tore my soul apart. ...I was at a point in my life where everything I had built my existence around (and thus myself upon) had fallen away. There was nothing left that defined “me”.

...When all those little things we use to make up our fronts to society fall away, it’s very hard to look at what’s left. I found that in many ways I didn’t like what I saw. I had plans for where I was supposed to be by that time in my life and I had missed the mark on exactly all of them. It grated on me deeply.

I was losing it mentally and emotionally. I honestly thought that I was going insane. I was both homicidal and suicidal. (I know exactly what those two Columbine kids were feeling.) I broke up with my girlfriend at the time because I thought it was the noble thing to do since I was going insane. I didn’t wan’t her to love me anymore so if I did something “bad”, it wouldn’t hurt her as much.

I had my suicide all planned out, ...and it gave me a great deal of “peace” knowing that it would come. For whatever reason, I think it gave me the time necessary to sort of “reset” my mind knowing that it was comming. But anyway, ...I ultimately decided to “live”. (Thanks fully to Pastor Scott Wagers of C.H.A.M.)

At that time, (believe me, I’m going to get somewhere with this), I concluded that it was in my best interest, mentally and emotionally, to no longer associate myself with those who had betrayed me.

...And so there I was, ...”starting over” again. I was basically starting a whole new life, Shari. ...No friends. Other than some close family members, ...I had no one. I had no friends. I was, yet again, alone. For someone who built his entire existence upon their friends and friendship, ...this was terrifying, ...but empowering at the same time. Who was I? I could be anyone. Who did I want to be?

...Remember the movie 'Fight Club' , when Brad Pitt’s character says to Edward Norton’s character; “Once you lose everything, ...you are free to do anything.” If one truly feels they have lost everything, ...then they really are free to do *anything*.

I had to start over. It took me a very long time to fuly “trust” people again. But my soul yearned to help people. I don’t know exactly where that drive came from, but it certainly came from within. I made many new “friends”, though I never let anyone “in”. I eventualy came to the realization that I had to just “let go” and allow myself to “trust” again. And so began the process.

My first time in church, I grew lightheaded, woozy, had clammy hands, was sweating, and got tunnel vision. ...I now “go to church”, ...though I’m not sure why. Partly to meet all the hot girls in their nice outfits. I claim no particular faith, though I now feel a strong connection to “GOD”. I have met some truly amazing people over the years. There are good people out there. Not everyone will turn on you. Fuck those who did. I think you have real people in your life now, Shari, as do I. People who do not and will not judge you. We all have a past Shari. There are many who would judge me for admitting that I was both homicidal and suicidal and thought I was going insane. But fuck them. Who are THEY to judge ME?! ...But then again, part of me says; judge me as you wish, it matters not. Both are true concurrently. ...I will never judge you or Brendan. I never have.. ...The pot is unwise to judge the quality or color of the kettle. Life goes on, Shari. Know that you and Brendan have a friend for life, here. And if there is ever anything I can do for either of you, all you have to do is ask. ...All you have to do is ask. ...I too know what it is like to lose everyone close to you.

...Bare with me for a moment, …I believe part of my calling in life is to help people get more connected to their own souls. …Perhaps it is part of my "pre-ordained" purpose for which God has planned for me, I don't know. I know that this is what I had to do for myself before I was ever able to truly help others. This all occurred when I was starting over with my life. My connection to "GOD" came much later, and now I pull from that strength as well, ...though that aspect in my life is still growing. ...A slow process.

Once I realized there was no master key to the universe, I started to write my own. I have made angels of demons and law from chaos. I have made sins of charities and magic of mundanity. I thought I had finally realized that there is no Fate but what we make and that man forged GOD in his image (though I have since re-assessed that thinking).

I question and ponder and spend no more time in the generally accepted view of reality than I must. We have to look within ourselves for answers. It is so easy to lose our selves and sway with the tides of hedonism. If you recall from any great piece of literature, some of the most powerful pieces of the text are when the title character or main supporting character has some great epiphany, revelation or realization about life, themselves, or society or whatever, that changes them profoundly. "Moments of clarity," they are sometimes called. These are some of the most beautiful parts of character development. Often times, from that point on, we view our world a little differently. We are some how changed by it. An "awakening" of sorts. Granted, it is not always just one moment that defines such a change, it can be several smaller ones that lead up to such a thing.

Contrary to popular belief, this is quite normal. Children do this all the time. The ability to question our own drives, desires, motivations, and responses to any given stimulus, etc, is something that we seem to lose touch with over time. People (who must never be confused with the entirely different species known as children) don't seem to maintain this ability -- or else they get so worked up in explaining the ruler that they forget it is used to measure. When children are developing; they enter that faze when they are so impressionable and they become sort of lost in trying to figure out who they are. They constantly compare themselves to others and they second guess their own feelings and thoughts and beliefs about any given "X" and thus they become further disconnected from that innate ability as they lose their confidence in being able to trust what is coming from within. Thus they lose the connection to their own "soul" and the inner voice that can ultimately lead them to at least a much stronger sense of happiness. …Some times it is hard to know what questions to ask, let alone trying to discover the answers. It can also be just as elusive to even know that a question needs to be asked in the first place.

As I mentioned, many people never ask the questions necessary to discover their "self" or soul or whatever. Either they have become so ossified within society's paradigms, swaying easily with the tides of the mundane, and thus have not even the inclination to explore, ...or they wish to try exploring, searching, asking questions, but don't quite know what questions to ask. They haven't yet honed the skills to do such. They don't know how to look within. And then there are those who are just too scared to find what lies within the depths of all the uncharted fathoms. Whether having the inclination or not, exploring those depths can be scary for us all. Think of Plato's children of the cave who always only ever saw shadows. How would they react if shown, even for a moment, just what the sources of those shadows were? I think I am learning an answer.

While it can be scary, humbling, and confusing, ...mystifying, disconcerting, and nauseating, ...tristfull, execrable, and contrite, ...it can also be empowering, ...venerating, ...portentous, ...proselytizing and ultimately efficacious in allowing ourselves to truly heal and understand who we are. It is quite a beautiful process.
(Sorry, that was sickeningly verbose. "My bad".)

...Would it, or would it not, make someone more capable of serving a greater good or God or whatever their path be, if the individual had an intimate connection with their own soul and sense of "self"? I think that the answer is yes. I care not who it be, ...the dear friend who I lost touch with over the years, ...either of the punk bitches who I almost unleashed the demon upon at the spa not so long ago, (they couldn't possibly fathom what they nearly unleashed), ...or the girl who makes my coffee each day, ...etc, etc, etc.

...Ever watch Babylon 5? There is an episode where Delenn, an alien female who is a "crusader for the good" is tested/tortured by a man who turns out to be the infamous Jack the Ripper. He asks her who she is, and she replies "I am Delenn." He states "That is merely your name, who are you." She lists off organizations, titles, species, gender, every possible answer until there is nothing left. None of it satisfies her tormentor. He continues to ask her again and again, "who are you!" until all that is left is the wordless shrieking of her tortured throat -- when she gives up on language and only the screams remain, he asks her --"How do you expect to fight the Darkness if you don't even know who you are?" I felt like I was living that episode...and I was not Jack.

This was a while ago for me, and now I have many answers for this question. Do you? What are your answers to this question? You do not have to share them with me, but perhaps look deep within yourself and try to find the answers for your own peace, ...for your own heart, ...for your own spirit, ...soul, ...being, ...understanding. I ask you these questions, not for my own knowledge, but for yours. Asking myself questions like these is what allowed me to truly heal within, and is ultimately what allowed my soul to shine through and not just survive, but thrive. I'm able to help others because of all of this. ...Does that make any sense?

People have to get more "connected" with themselves and who they are and F%#K what everyone else thinks.

There may be much within you that you may be exploring. There may also be much within you that you have destroyed and remade into a newer preferred image. I find both phenomena -- the awakening of areas within ones self that have not yet been explored, as well as the layering and alterations made to ones known self - very interesting. People are like faceted stones; each side is a new image, a completely new reflection of the environment. Each edge is a new prism, refracting the environment into an endless spectrum of experience and emotion. Don't EVER think that you have nothing to offer Shari!

(I suppose we could be a little less pretentious and just say that people are multi-faceted. But where's the fun in that? *lol*).

I hope I don't sound like a total schmuck in saying all this, Shari. I've learned over time not to talk about any of this stuff. ...But I think people can learn so much from each other if they are just willing to open up and communicate with an absolute honesty...even though honesty be as much a thing of the beholder as beauty, but that's beside the point. Let Ego give way to veracity, and see what doors open within our own conscious mind as well as our subconscious. Perhaps the Ego, Id, and Super-Ego will work together more effectively? I don't know.

As I said, I feel, and am coming to understand, that it is part of my calling on this earth to help others to connect with their own soul and who they are as a person. A dear friend of mine (Shannon Tompkins) looked up my name in her name book and "Jason" directly translates to "HEALER" in Greek. The "suggested character quality or characteristic" is "one who heals". The "life time scripture verse" is Isaiah 61:1;

"The spirit of the Lord God is upon me; for the Lord has anointed me to preach the good tidings to the humble, He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted; to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound."

This is so me, as Shannon had said. ...That is so me. I just can't help it.

Anyway, I have been going through a lot lately, some of which you and Brendan already know, some of which you don't. But have found great strength in prayer, my faith, and iin all the amazing people that GOD has placed in my life, such as you and Brendan. It is friends like you, and other amazing people that have been placed in my life, that make me truly greatful to GOD, despite all the hardships and pain. "F, F, F"; ..."Faith, Family, Friends." :)

Sorry for the vagarious display of effusion. From here on out it'll be back to just training and diet talk. :)

Shari Baby said...

Ofie,
Thank you so much for your words and story. I am all for marriages staying together if at all possible, but I applaude you for not staying in yours simply for the children. If you are not happy, your children will see that and be affected. I am so happy to hear you are happy now. :) Thanks again...it means a lot to me

Shari Baby said...

Greg,
Thank you for the note!!!It made me smile and I really needed that! :) Oh, God has muscles ??;0

Shari Baby said...

Catra,
Thank you girl. I am sorry that you went through what i put Randy through. I know you have helped him through a lot and I say thank you for not judging me even knowing everything (his side anyway). I know I am hard on myself - I just can't seem to let up ya know ? Maybe I'll just run it out of me this weekend and be over with it! Anyway, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to run with you sometime. AND - a 50 miler is definitely in my future....maybe you can pace me and carry me if you need to ? :) Thanks again girl - it means a lot to me.

Shari Baby said...

John,
Thank you for reaching out to me and for praying for me. I know that not all churches are the same. I loved my church and everybody there. I know that I made mistakes, but don't feel that i deserved to be treated with judgement. Anyway - thanks for reaching out to me. I guess I do have some friends, huh ? :)

Shari Baby said...

J Dog -
I love you! You are so transparent and that is a character trait that I just admire and love. I know you care deeply and I am grateful for your friendship. I know that I had good friends before - but I have to say that i have found some amazing friends now! I believe that people come into your life for a reason as well, and we definitely have a few things in common. Maybe we can chat over some drinks huh ? Hey - I love the way you write too by the way....very smart! Love you and see you soon ? Thanks for reaching out to me today also - it means the world to me :)

Catra said...

Hey Shari-

I would love to pace you at your first 50 miler.
Hey I could carry along the way and just turn it into a crossfit routine...LOL....
Let me know when you want to join me for a run. Friday & Sturdays are best for me.
Have fun and stay positive sista!
Catra

CrossFit Cape Fear & Designs In Fitness said...

morning!
Just wanted to express my amazement and awe at a community (CrossFit & the people in it) that has brought so many people from all over the nation - world - and connected thm through something as simple - honest - painful as exercise and life. This truly amazes and humbles me....

Shari, yeah, all churches ARE the same (some just look to God more effectively than others *did I just say that?*)... still got people and I'm learning to understand that and not judge them for that (I did for the majority of my life). They are wonderful, it is hopeully a community of broken people worshiping God and Jesus. But they are filled with the same wonderful people that have their own issues, insecurities, bias and frailties.

J-Dogg, al I can say is what you already know... God loves you and what you heard at 4 years old was only partially true. You've walked through hell and back and I can say I'm humbled and happy to have read what you wrote. Thank you for being soopen and transparent.

OK, on that note, I have a group wokout to run in two hours. Time to eat and pep.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Shari Baby said...

Catra,
I think that would blown the "Fran" workout away for sure!! (running a 50miler while carrying somebody) okay - I will definitely get a hold of you and run with ya sometime - Saturday's are great for me also. Maybe next Saturday ? Ran has the kids.