Friday, December 01, 2006
Have you ever felt like everything you do is wrong ? Or like crawling inside yourself and simply disappearing? Welcome to my world today. I am at fault for wearing my emotions on my sleeve and for doing too much. If I am sad, I show it - I cry...I'm not one of those who hold it in and acts like everything is dandy. Nope, not me - I cry and cry until my eyes puff up and I feel like shit! Is that bad ? I think that I'm not good enough as the person that i am. At least that is how I see myself today. I feel that I have to be careful in every move that I make - am I acting okay ? Am I putting off a wrong vibe ? What am I saying ? Does it sound stupid? I feel like a mud pie gone bad - you know what mud pies are ? They are messy and dirty, sloppy no shape or form to them. You try really hard to get them to look nice, round - like a yummy pie that you are proud of making - but any way you look at it, it's made out of mud - DIRT. Not pretty - or tasty - just dirt. Yup, that's me. I used to be a clay vessel formed from God's own hands - He molded me, and made me into His vessel for His work. He said I was perfect the way i was, and I felt it. I didn't really analyze every move that i made becausze I made most of them in love. Okay, I was a little controlling and had some traits that needed adjustment for sure. Who doesn't ? But mostly I felt good - like I was good, there was good in me. I rarely cried, or felt extreme sadness. I had lots of friends who loved me and I loved them. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them. One of my friends loved to mountian bike and had a shitty bike that creaked when she rode it and the seat was torn. I bought her a new top of the line mountian bike - fit for her. Just to make her happy and want to ride more often and feel loved. My other friend started school and had a 1 year old at home - she was going to put her in day care but couldn't really afford the costs. I started watching her for free because I wanted to support my friends ambition to become a nurse without her worrying about her daughter's well being. Another friend got breast cancer and lived right down the street from me. After surgery she couldn't get out of bed on her own so I went there every morning to help her out of bed. I took her to the sauna to detox her body from chemo, I went to the health food store almost daily with her to get her the vitamin rich juice that she was recommended to drink everyday - hell, I even drank it with her so she didn't have to do it alone. It tasted like SHIT, but I did it. I went shopping for her, juiced her veggies for her, and made shure I was there to help her in any way she needed - clean the house ? Sure. Feed the dogs ? no problem. I hosted a dinner every Monday evening and cooked for 12 people - We bought all the food and wine and I spent the day cooking 3 course meals. Now wait a minute I am not trying to toot my own horn - this is going somewhere, just hang on. I belonged to a church for 13 years and i loved my church. I served as an overseer, worked in the childrens ministy, the food outreach, prayer team, and lead a home group.. Wherever they needed me, i was willing to be there. We gave 10% of all we made from the gross amount, I baked over 300 cookies for Christmas for the feast we would have. I LOVED everybody there. Now this is what i am getting at - when I decided to leave my husband all the above didn't matter anymore. I never got a fucking phone call from the pastor, or his wife. The friends I showed love to never called me, in fact they forgot all about me. The one whos daughter I watched was my best friend. She chose my x over me, and we are friends no more. In fact - I lost my entire world that i had for 13 years. So if I get a little over emotional sometimes give me a fucking break! I have been through a total life change and I am pissed, hurt, confused, lonely, lost, I am every emotion and I can't take it anymore. I feel like cracking!! Most of the time I can see that inside me I am still good and worthy to be loved and to be a friend. I genually care about people and want to make them happy. But I feel stuck and don't know how to make myself happy. Where is the fight in me ? Where is the woman who would say "This is me this is who I am....if you don't like it, I'm not changing for you!" Where is my ambition? I had such great ambition before. I know it's in there, buried somewhere inside. Okay - I feel better now. I know things will get easier and I will get new friends, real friends. I know that this is a phase and I will get my fight back because I am a fighter - I survive and get better. Thanks for listening. Now I'm going for a run to cry and not be judged for crying, to feel and take in everything. Hopefully I will end my run feeling lighter, happier, and with some focus and drive. God, are you still molding me ? Or have you given up on me like the others ? Remove the dirt from me and make me a beautiful vessel again - help me feel it. Help me know it.